Bell Hammers by Lancelot Schaubert

Author:Lancelot Schaubert [Schaubert, Lancelot]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Tags: Literature, Humor
ISBN: 9781949547030
Publisher: Independent
Published: 2020-10-03T16:00:00+00:00

Wilson Remus

1966

He couldn’t get a rest, even with the travel. But he kept trying. He didn’t have much money so he booked cabins around Lake of the Ozarks. He never packed his bag — Beth took care of that one. Away they went to the Lake. Just a cabin. Two burner stove like Beth was used to using. Running water and a bathroom, I think, can’t quite remember for sure, but it was simple.

He went in to take a shower. Came out. He got into the bed in there. He was buckass naked as he was when he hopped up on old Rooney’s truck.

Beth became aware. “Wilson Remus put on some undershorts.”

But he was ramping up to making a point. “Don’t have any.”

“Well they’re in the bag.”

“Oh really?”

“Yes.” She got out to show him. She moved the jeans. She moved the shirts. She moved the stragglers from the Dopp kit. She moved every single thing every which way she could, but she could not conjure his skivvies. “I forgot’m.”

“You did.”

“Yes. I’m sorry, I’ll—”

“You forgot my drawers.”

“Yes, Remmy. I’m sorry, I’ll—”

“My Goddamn drawers. Of all the things, woman, you forget a man’s drawers. Why in the hell can’t you think straight? Good God, what’ll I do now, go commando like a whore? It’s all your fault, ruining it like this.”

The kids was staring at him shouting.

He got madder then. Not at them, but at himself for being so mad about such a pissant thing. Still he took it out on them by stomping outside and slamming that door.

He was quiet. And still buckass naked, just a kid out there in the elements and the bus had done left him behind again.

“Good Lord, work on her,” Remmy said. “She needs help.”

The Good Lord said nothing.

There he was again in that horse-drawn milk wagon, all of his toys before him and his father nowhere in sight and finding out they’d given Bloody Williamson to one another. He felt hopelessly lost and alone and feared for his soul and his bones.

“And I guess work on me too if I need to change,” Remmy said.

“You talk to your bride like that again, Remmy, I will stop answering your prayers.”

“Yes, Lord.”

“Ain’t got nothing to do with me not loving you. I love you Remmy.”

“Yes, Lord.”

“Ain’t got nothing to do with forgiveness neither. I forgave you thousands of years ago, Remmy.”

“Yes, Lord.”

“Has to do with you being too stubborn to change your mind. Go on and change your mind now.”

“Yes, Lord. I have.”

“Good. Now go in and apologize before she’s ruined for good.”

“Yes, Lord.”

“Remmy?”

“Yes Lord?”

“I’ll always love you. But I still like you in spite of you acting like this.”

Remmy cried.

“You tell some of the funniest jokes of anyone I’ve ever made, and your harmless pranks make the hard life livable. And you tell some of the best stories that make bad things into good things and there’s nothing I love more than a good storyweaver. This is not about her and it’s not about drawers. It’s about you finding rest, and you will, Remmy.

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